1) Stick with the whole Rush Limbaugh thing. It’s a great idea. President Obama’s popularity is higher than it’s been since he was elected even in the midst of the worst economic downturn since the Great Depression and you obviously need a figure amongst yourselves who can compete with him among the electorate. So who better than a racist, greedy, slovenly, pudgy recovering drug addict whose massive Jabba the Hut like size isn’t nearly large enough to eclipse is own ego? A man who spends hour after hour spewing uninformed, deliberately misleading fecal blather into his golden microphone until he’s foaming at the mouth, attempting to manipulate the fears and anger of those in our country who feel so threatened by our President that they would rather just keep clinging to the same bullshit that drove our country into the ground over the past eight years. Stick with this man, a rotund sweaty self absorbed cinder block, tied to your feet, dragging you further and further into the depths of irrelevance. Do not unfasten his grip. Do not cut the rope. Let him pull you down to the miserable basin in which he dwells. Because only then will you realize how sick he is, how wrong he is, and how you must abandon both him and everything he stands for. What he stands for is not real Conservativism, or power being put in the hands of the people, or capitalistic economic prosperity. What he stands for is nothing, total emptiness, an inconstant conscience that will change with whatever latest talking point or headline, or sensational story that he can twist and spin and contort to get anyone, literally anyone to stop what they’re doing and pay attention to him. He doesn’t believe in anything until it’s financially appropriate for him to do so and relying on the lowest, most miserable prejudices, hypocrisies and anger, he beats his hands on the fleshy drum he has for a belly and pulls his listeners in, listeners he lies to and misinforms to keep them in the same hopeless vacuum that their misfortunes have placed them in. When you see what he truly is and the lack thereof, only then will you know how desperately your party needs change and realize the direction you need to take from here.

2) Come up with some new ideas. Like, literally say something that you think would be a good idea for what we as a country can do to get out of this crisis. President Obama has had open forums, press conferences, invited you over for drinks at the White House, given a State of the Economy Address, and made numerous attempts to reach across the aisle, even though his popularity and your unpopularity have made it totally unnecessary for him to do so. And what do you do? You propose the same shit that got us here and then complain that no one is listening to you. Right now, your party is like a ride at Six Flags that someone got killed on, and instead of taking the time to fix the broken ride and wipe the blood off the seats, you’re telling people, “ No, there’s nothing is wrong! Come on and ride with us! Look at how much fun we’re having! Yaaay?”  Sit down in a room with some smart people (not bankers or Wall Street dollarfuckers, but some professors and economists and people with degrees) and come up with a way to help, not sure up your base, but ACTUALLY HELP. If just getting votes is your priority right now, you’re all liars anyway and you deserve to lose your job because you’re wrong for it.

3) You gotta change your fundamentals to fit the times of today. Right now you’re opposing everything to stay true to your constituents and your base, and this would make sense if you had won with this strategy in November. BUT YOU DIDN’T! So obviously, you’re base isn’t enough to keep you relevant, which means you have to appeal to some people other than the ones in your base. Crossing your fingers and waiting for the President to fail isn’t going to work either because if he fails, we’ll all be too busy being homeless, jobless, and teetering on the edge of survival to hear your I told you so’s. This isn’t like the normal order of how America works where power just tilts from one side to the other and you’re all a couple elections away from going right back to fucking everybody. We’re all already fucked. The rest of the world sees that we’re a three legged dog heading into a fight and they smell blood. What do you wanna be able to say you did to help your country survive? That you told us not to get abortions? That you did your part by stopping gay people from getting married or keeping illegal immigrants out? That you opposed the bailout and wanted the banks to fail because, hey, that’s capitalism? Fuck that. People voted for President Obama because they genuinely believe that he wants to take this country in the right direction and that he’s smart enough and pragmatic enough to work with everybody, not just the people who agree with him. If you let America know that you really want us all to succeed, instead of just mumbling in the corner hoping people fail, then you’ll become relevant again. America needs your party, too, just as much as the Democrats. And if you guys keep going down this same road, we’ll all just be a bunch of asses.

4) You oppose extremism in Islam, right? So oppose it in your party, too. Get all the white supremacists, and skinheads, and whoever else has been pushing the hate group numbers up (http://edition.cnn.com/2009/US/02/26/hate.groups.report/index.html) and tell them that Luke Curry said joining a hate group is not what’s gonna make them feel better and that they should consider a very American alternative - doing more drugs. Obviously the Pabst Blue Ribbon and chewing tobacco aren’t gonna be strong enough, so they should give other drugs a chance like weed, coke, heroin, ecstasy, or even some combination of those (preferably a speedball, I hear those are to die for). Tell them to give crack a chance. Look what it did for the Black community. We had an epidemic sweep through in the 1980s and not only do we have an immensely popular and profitable legacy of music to show for it, not only did we get one of our own as mayor of the nation’s capital, but nearly 30 years later we got a Black President! So tell you’re racist extremist friends that if they want a White supremacist President by 2040, they should start their crack habit today. My guess is they’ll